I think I have a very profound statement to make: people in America curse a LOT. Surprising, I know, but it must be pointed out. In some places, I’m surprised that there aren’t people just standing around checking people’s ID (“I’m sorry son, but this stretch of sidewalk along Elm’s Street is rated PG-13 for excessive profane language, go take your chalk somewhere else”).

Contrast this with people like me, who have been so thoroughly had it drilled into their heads to not swear that they mouths will either autocorrect to something technically not the bad word (I have literally once referred to someone as a ‘she-dog’), or lock up and refuse to say anything at all. Well, that statement is slightly false. I do cuss, just not with four letter words. My default curses are ‘pinky-curses,’ which means anything sort of nonsense you would expect to hear shoot out of Pinky’s mouth (poit, narf, troz, etc.). After those, I have come up with a few originals with very specific uses. For those out there looking to thin down their language, I shall list three examples of the alt-curses that I’ve come up with, alongside their uses and origins:

Maharlgle (muh-har-gle): An expletive that goes to denote a state of panic or surprise. The actual origin of this curse is quite a mystery. It’s most likely the byproduct of the LSD that naturally flows through my veins. As a further note on how to pronounce this word, imagine yourself being trod over by a giant shoe. The ‘ma’ is said right as the heel strikes the ground. Start and hold the ‘har’ as the foot rolls across your now crush body. End will a throaty ‘gle’ is perfect sync with the shoe departing your now bloodied corpse. ‘Ma-HAR-gle,’ very useful visual, isn’t it?

Blargh!: Used generally to refer to high levels of frustration. Ironically, this minced-curse was taken from ‘Red vs. Blue.’ The aliens that frequently appear on the show all speak in  equally absurd and unintelligible ‘blarghs.’ Just don’t ask me how I associated this word with the effect, I’m also trying to figure it out.

Frilled-neck-lizard: Pronounced in a muppet-like voice, frilled-neck-lizard is used for situations of confusion or amusement. It is inspired by the quirky behavior and appearance of the frilled-neck lizard.

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