One day, I was walking through Walmart when I came across a peculiar advertisement. It was for gum, so naturally, the model was holding a stick (yes, of gum) in her hand. However, I couldn’t help but notice that she was also carrying a yoga mat in the other arm.
That led me to wonder what message the advertisers were trying to convey. That’s when a devilish voice bubble from the bowels of my heart.
And I said, “No, I shall never do such wicked a thing!”
The voice bubbled back, “Don’t be so idealistic, join me on the dark side. People aren’t to swallow the gum anyways.”
“Begone!” I cried to the foul side of my heart while making the sign of the cross. The personal demon then bellowed loudly before finally desintegrating into the form of a sulphorous burp. For reasons I have yet to understand, I was kindly asked to leave the store. I chose not to fight and left. After all, I’d just done by good deed for the day and saved everyone from an evil me.
For the benefit of the people I occasionally encounter who are baffled by my behavior, I offer up this helpful video.
With any hope, this might explain some of my quirks.
Like many a person who got their first Xbox over the season, two of my family members got some controllers so they could join in with me in Halo multiplayer games. Before I go any further, understand that my dad is a sysadmin, so the trio of me, my brother, and father wasn’t an entire drove of lobotomized cavemen.
The first step we took was to turn on the controllers and add them as guests, natural right? Nope, we entered co-op play with only one controller working. Turns out that joining the game involves a very particular and coordinated button mashing that ends with the “A” button. We do this, but only two people are in. So we back out, try again and wind up having two people in, but a different two. The third try yielded similar results, but instead with me, the owner of the account kicked out.
Later, my brother looked up online how to do multiplayer, which could only be done with two people, despite the ability to add multiple guests. In order to get any more people on involved a ritual of selling one’s soul to the devil and paying a 40% tax to the government. None of us wanted to pay a nickel to Uncle Sam, so we settled for two people playing.